Would You Be A Surrogate?

September 27, 2012

I’ve always been interested in being a surrogate. The whole things seems so romantic. You carry a baby around in pregnant bliss for nine months, adored and pampered, beautiful and radiant, and then you hand over the prodigal child like a matron saint, a modern pioneer, the ultimate hero. God bless me for being so generous and wonderful.

Then I got pregnant and felt what it’s like to actually carry a baby around for nine months. Instead of being adored and pampered, I felt fat and inconvenienced. Instead of being beautiful and radiant, I got leg cramps and lost control of my bladder. Of course there were great things about it, but it was nothing like the dream sequence I imagined. Have you ever been nine months pregnant in 103 degree heat? It’s a lot like having the flu, except you’re also top heavy and unable to climb stairs without breaking wind.

Once the baby arrived, my perspective changed for good. I saw Waylon’s face and my heart suffered an emotional stroke. I’ve never recovered. A child is like another limb, a life source, a part of your being. How could I possibly give up a person who was attached to me?

Over the past five years, surrogacy has steadily grown in the US, despite being illegal in most of the western world. As technology and success rates have improved, so has the industry. Each state differs in its laws and practice. In New York, surrogacy contracts are illegal so you have to hire out of state. In New Jersey, it’s legal to have someone carry a child for you, but it’s against the law to pay her. Some states don’t even recognize the intended parents’ right to have their name on the birth certificate and require they legally adopt the child, even though it’s biologically theirs.

Ethics aside, the whole thing is pretty weird. Another person feeling your baby’s first kicks, or, on the opposite end, you experiencing another woman’s postpartum poo? It all seems a little risky, a little uncomfortable, a little too much sacrifice.

It’s also beautiful in a way. When I think about one of my best friends not being able to conceive and being able to help them make a miracle, I can almost shrug my shoulders and go for it. I picture their faces, meeting their child for the first time, and it almost gets me there. Almost.

I realize carrying a baby I did not create would be different than carrying one of my own, but the truth is–if I cry over saying goodbye to a car, there’s no way I could say goodbye to anyone who once dwelt in my womb.

It’s just not in the cards.

What about you? Could you be a surrogate? Would you consider surrogacy as a fertility option?


Surrogacy Information Source

{ First Photo by Andria Lindquist}

40 thoughts on “Would You Be A Surrogate?

    1. calmly chaotic

      As someone whose only option to conceive was IVF, fertility issues are close to my heart and I think that it is amazing and wonderful that there are women out there willing to be surrogates and undergo the inevitable heartbreak with eventually having that baby and giving it to its parents. I also know people who have donated their eggs which is equally wonderful and chillingly heartbreaking. I commend them all but could never be them. Well unless it was my sister who couldn’t have children. I would do it then.

  1. Hannah

    I have mixed feelings about this… I think it would be a beautiful gift to give someone but I do not just adore being pregnant to just offering my services. I think it would be easier in a way to do it for a family member/close friend because it would be filled with purpose… however, you would never actually say good-bye to the baby which would be cool and heart-wrenching at the same time. Because of how emotionally attached I get, I can’t see me doing it. And for those same reasons, I personally would steer clear of foster parenting too… because I can’t handle the goodbye. (I deeply admire those people who give their lives for it because it is a worthy cause)

  2. bridget

    I have thought about this before. It’s just that big unknown that freaks me out — giving the baby away at the end… would I be completely wrecked and devastated? I think so. I was in love with Parker long before I saw his face.
    But then! Giving someone their baby! What a gift. Seriously.

    I think I’d do it for my sisters.

      1. Sister

        Hey, thanks! Right back atchya. Since I never had a child I probably don’t know what I’m talking about, but I think after I would have my first one and get over the whole dramatics of it all…I think I would do it. For anyone.

      2. jennie

        My sister is doing exactly this for me right now. And even more amazing, she is using her egg instead of mine. In two weeks, we’re giving the old turkey baster method a try and if that doesn’t work, we’ll be starting IUI in November.

        I am both humbled and awed by her but also vaguely terrified that I will never be able to ever repay her fully for what she is gifting me.

  3. Amanda meinert

    I love this topic, it’s something I think about SO often. I really think I could do it. I love everything about being pregnant, but realistically, we can’t afford to add another child to our family and still give them the life they deserve. I just can’t imagine never being pregnant again. It breaks my heart and that is just one of the many reasons I feel I could do it. And if a close friend or family member asked me? Id do it in a heartbeat. My husband has totally different views though. He does not like the idea. It freaks him out.

    1. Kate {motleymama} Post author

      It is a little freaky, especially when you think about the first month after the baby is born…but it sounds like you love pregnancy enough to do it! (But I think it’s required and obviously advisable if both partners are fully on board!)

  4. Dara

    For someone close I would do it. Also I have a good friend who runs a surrogate agency in San Antonio. She’s been a surrogate four times, giving birth to five kids (one was a set of twins). She still keeps in touch with all of the families.

  5. Andrea

    We’re good friends with a gay couple who have mentioned the possibility a couple of times. Before I had my son I used to say ‘let me get done having my own kid and we’ll talk.’ Now I say ‘I wouldn’t give the baby to you. I couldn’t.’ Having experienced birthing my baby, I cannot imagine being an auntie instead of his mommy. I don’t think I have it in me, but I have tremendous respect for those that do.

  6. shelahn

    I loved being pregnant. The discomforts were far outweighed by the fun. (I never had much ‘morning sickness’) I would do it if I felt the call. Only, to NOT nurse a baby to loose that weight…? hm…

  7. Mandy

    I hated almost everything about being pregnant (I say almost because absolutes are one of those no-no’s, but I honestly can’t think of something that I really liked) but like others have said, Inwould do it for my sisters or those friends that are practically sisters. I would never do it for a stranger or money.

  8. Danielle

    We talk about this in my family all the time. One of my cousins has serious medical problems that might prevent her from carrying a baby. Because o that, all of us girls promised each other that we’d do it for each other- especially our sisters.

    Since having my own baby though, I don’t know how I’d do it. It’s a lot to go through without the awesome reward of having a new baby to cuddle at the end.

  9. Kimberly

    My aunt was a surrogate for triplets that live in Germany. She loved it. She tried a few times to do it again but got rejected mostly because of her age. She was also a foster mom for newborns. She loves taking care of newborns, but she doesn’t bond with them. She said she never felt sad to see them go (I don’t know if that’s how she felt about the triplets) but she does keep in touch with the mom’s.

    I don’t remember much about the first few days of having Olivia so I don’t know how I would feel leaving the hospital empty handed. . . I do know my baby blues were a bitch and it would be hard to go through that with out a little one to snuggle.

    Very thought provoking. I’ll be thinking all day now!

    1. Kate {motleymama} Post author

      TRIPLETS. Talk about sacrifice. That’s amazing.

      I know other people like your aunt though…who have no problem not bonding. I think that’s a gift, which is weird to say. But it is! Being able to love and care for someone without having to KEEP them is something very special (and good). I’m too emotional and needy.

  10. Amy

    Thought provoking post! Even though I had terrible morning sickness with my 2nd pregnancy (lost over 10lbs.) I absolutely loved being pregnant – after that phase passed. I think I could do it for a sister – but I don’t have one. Although since I need to have c-sections, I would need to consider those risks/limits for myself. Would I want to “use up” my last pregnancy for someone else if the dr. would recommend no more pregnancies or I’d have some sort of complication? It’d be alot to weigh, but I’d like to think that if I had a sister, I would be willing to give her that gift. But since I have no sisters, I guess I won’t have to make that kind of decision. I wouldn’t be able to do surrogacy for “just anyone” though. God bless those who do!

  11. Stilley

    There is no way I could do it. I respect it but no way. I became so attached to my child while pregnant I could not see being unattached in a way. Then seeing him placed on my chest after birth, that was the end, complete attachment achieved. I just don’t think I could do it without being devastated at the end, even though it is a wonderful gift and not your child.

  12. Meggie

    Crikey, I couldn’t do it. I think the experience of pregnancy is so intimate and sacred that I don’t think I’d survive emotionally. The hormonal intensity post-birth is so crazy and I can’t imagine not having the baby as my own to bond with, nurse, etc. I guess in the end i dont think i’d be able to detach enough to solely see myself as the carrier.

    It’s funny that so many people said they’d do it for their sister. My sister (who is basically an extension of my soul, whom i’d do nearly anything for) and I read this post together and immediately agreed we’d never do it for one another. I think it would almost be more deveststing than doing it for a stranger.

  13. Rachel

    I ran into this blog after experiences with infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth myself. I always thought it would be an uncomfortable/weird situation to be in, but after experiencing other things, I can totally understand why people do it and how wonderful it could be.

    The link below is to a great website of a couple and their surrogate who have videoed everything on their surrogacy journey for a documentary.


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  16. Gabi

    I was a surrogate in 2011/12 and baby girl was born in March. I transferred all my postpartum something onto my 2.5 yr old and bawled just hearing his sweet voice on the phone, less than an hour away from me coming home after one week recovery from VBAC.
    As much as i loved being a surrogate, there is nothing sweeter than your own child with your husbands eyes and your smile run towards you flinging himself into your arms at top speed screaming “Mommy”
    Giving that to another couple was my #2 achievement of my life, right after # 1 which was creating my sweet, sweet boy!


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