How To Talk To Your Grocer About Sex

February 4, 2015

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A few weeks ago my three-year-old son asked how babies get inside your belly.

This is not an unusual question for a three-year-old, but I still paused to consider its milestone. Before I was a parent, I had pictured this conversation very tenderly, with plenty of self-righteous joy. I imagined us sitting together, hands clasped, talking openly about our bodies. No honey, penis is not a dirty word!  Look at what a wonderful mother I am.

Of course in reality, the conversation looked a lot more like a three-year-old bouncing up and down on the couch and misunderstanding everything I was saying.

“But YOU don’t have a spray, Mommy. Only Evie and I have sprays.”

“Not sprays, sperm,” I explain for the 30th time. “A sperm from the daddy and an egg from the mommy make a baby. Eva doesn’t have any.”

“But Daddy’s spray is in his belly and mine is in my belly and yours is lost, right?” His face is sincere but he is still bouncing.

Eventually I give up.

///

Sex is not embarrassing to me. I don’t want it to be embarrassing to my kids either. Which is why a few days later when we are in the grocery check-out line and Waylon asks if Grandpa “has any spray,” I try to be nonchalant. “I’m not sure,” I say, trying and failing to remember when you run out of sperm. “Maybe.”

Waylon pauses to consider this while I unload our groceries onto the conveyer belt. “When I have a baby in my belly, I’m going to be as big as you!” he concludes proudly.

“Actually honey,” I say quietly, “Only girls grow babies in their belly.”

He looks disappointed so I offer him a conciliatory gatorade. “What about him? Does he have spray?” Waylon points to our 17-year-old cashier.

“What spray are you looking for?” our cashier boy answers without looking up. He appears bored.

“He’s just confused,” I say quickly, throwing a jar of tomato sauce onto the bread bag.

“Do you have spray in your belly? Because only boys have it. Not girls,” Waylon continues, presenting the information at hand.

“I’m so sorry,” I apologize.

“It’s cool,” answers cashier boy, clearly not understanding that this three-year-old wants to discuss his sperm. “Does he want a sticker?”

“Oops, I forgot!” Waylon says, smacking himself on the forehead like a cartoon version of himself. “It’s not SPRAY, Mommy said. It’s called SPERM!”

“Did he say sperm?” Cashier boy looks alarmed. Ah, this is how you get a 17-year-old’s attention.

“Sperms are in your belly to make babies if you want to,” Waylon offers politely.

I try not to notice the redness creeping up cashier boy’s neck and swipe my credit card. “Um, yeah. I don’t know. He’s three so…”

The machine does nothing. I swipe my card again.

Waylon: God made sperms at school with Miss Danielle.

Cashier Boy: I think you’re holding it backwards.

Me: I don’t–

Waylon: But when we get bigger we don’t have sperms, ONLY babies. Buzz Lightyear does not have sperms.

It’s always good to leave the check-out line on a good note.

Moral of the story: Always be open and honest with your kids about sex.

Secondary moral: Self check-out. Every time.

***

22 thoughts on “How To Talk To Your Grocer About Sex

  1. Liz

    OMG, I’m dying reading this!!!! So hilarious and you handled it so well! Oh that cashier, I can only imagine what went through his mind!!!

    Reply
  2. Jessie

    Oh my gosh. Can’t stop laughing at this. I made my whole family read it and we are cry-laughing. Unforgettable.

    Reply
  3. Pat

    Thanks for the great belly laugh! I’m still smiling thinking about the honesty of a toddler and and embarrassed teenage cashier.

    Reply
  4. Nancy

    I’m cracking up! Trying to think which poor guy at Giant was completely embarrassed :-)
    I do the self-scan thing….no need to go through the check out and my 2 year old loves to use the scanner

    Reply
  5. Danielle

    OMG! This is a riot and so very dear! This is just one more reason to think Waylon amazing. He’s rendered me speechless, which is pretty impossible to do.I have absolutely no way to respond to your boy’s claim about God’s sperm making at school. I’ll be doing a thorough evaluation of my teaching methods though for sure.

    Reply
  6. Pingback: How to Talk to Your Grocer About Sex | SuddenlySlimmer

  7. Kimberly

    When Olivia was a baby I vowed that I would only teach her the correct terms if I also could instill the proper respect for the human body. Just because I didn’t like the kids I nannied talking about it so flippantly or showing each other their body parts. What do I know??? “Penis” I am fine with, I just really hate the sound of “vulva” or “vagina”. Really really. But one day I thought I should actually teach her the correct terms and she wouldn’t even listen. So there we have it. Kids.

    Reply
  8. kaly

    Lots of “peanuts” and “puhghina” talk over here. And I think the best form of birth control is to tell a 3YO girl that a baby will come out of her puhghina. Also have a cup handy to collect her eyeballs when they fall out of her head. I haven’t quite gotten up the courage to discuss the “spray” delivery mechanism. That seems like a talk for later years.

    Reply
  9. MJ

    too funny! That teenager may or may not be telling people,”You’ll never believe what a little kid was saying at the grocery store…”

    Reply
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  11. hw

    I strongly believe in telling kids the correct terms for their body parts. But I also believe in keeping things age appropriate. A 3 year old doesn’t need to know about eggs and sperm.

    Reply
  12. Allysa

    Oh my goodness, that was hilarious! I picture that’s exactly how my conversation with my nearly 4 year old girl will go when she eventually asks! It will, no doubt, take place in public…and I will be mortified, but as you did, keep it correct. I think that’s the most important. I usually look at my younger counterparts and say “you’ll experience this one day…” Thanks for the laugh!

    Reply
  13. Kristi

    I’m crying I am laughing so hard!! Reading this on my phone and everyone n the room looking at me like I’m crazy, which makes me laugh harder! Thanks, needed this sooooo much today!!

    Reply

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