Essays For Your 30s

April 9, 2015

BlendJenn

Blend

Chapter One

Spousal Chewing: A Survivor’s Guide

Chapter Two

How To Live Tweet Your Nexplanon Removal Without Passing Out

Chapter Three

“I Accidentally Liked A Picture Of My Ex On Facebook From Seven Years Ago And Want To Die”: Troubleshooting Your Social Media Disasters (A Manual)

Chapter Four

Your Friend’s Baby: Perfecting The Art Of The Smile And Nod

Chapter Five

Pasta For Four! or How To Make Enough Pasta Without Making All The Pasta

Chapter Six

Childbirth, Postpartum Poo, And Sex After Vaginal Massacre: A Love Story

Chapter Seven

Morning Face: Why It’s Growing Worse And How To Disable Your Forward Facing Camera

Chapter Eight

“I think I Have A Hemorrhoid” (And Other Literal Dirty Talk In Marriage)

Chapter Nine

Pinning Things I Can’t Afford: A Delusional Therapy We Are Okay With

Chapter Ten

Excessive Vacuuming And Other Ways To Drown Out Children

Chapter Eleven

“My Instagram Feed Look’s Like A White Supremacist’s Tea Party” (And Other Millennial Problems)

Chapter Twelve

Ten DIY Excuses For Avoiding Whole 30, Essential Oils, Spin Class, And Capsule Wardrobes.

Chapter Thirteen

Young Adult Fiction: What To Read And What To Use For Kindling During An Actual Apocalypse

Chapter Fourteen

“I Substituted All The Ingredients And It Tasted Like Garbage. Zero Stars” : A Simple Guide To Navigating The Comments Section Under Casserole Recipes

Chapter Fifteen

The Hot Dog Combo vs The Slice Of Pizza At Costco: A Justification And Exhaustive Analysis

Chapter Sixteen

The Children Are Sleeping: How To Choose A Movie On Netflix In Less Than Twelve Hours

Chapter Seventeen

Cleaning Before Unexpected Guests Without Murdering Your Spouse (A Handbook)

Chapter Eighteen

Baby You’re A Firework! or How To Sing Katy Perry Songs Without Ruining Everyone Else’s Day

Chapter Nineteen

Leggings As Pants: A Cultural Divide

Chapter Twenty

Assuming Everything Is A Thinly Veiled Act Of Aggression or “Enjoying The Holidays With Your Family” (A Self Help Directory)

Epilogue

“You’re Overthinking It” by Everyone’s Grandma

***

37 thoughts on “Essays For Your 30s

  1. Allysa

    This would be the absolute best book ever and I would read the crap out of this!! I could write several of those chapters myself, I think! Love having a humorous start to my Thursday!

    Reply
      1. mocreation

        Same ! I saw the post on IG first and was like “Oh, this will be interesting” only to come here and realize that these are just “chapters”. Please, write this book !

        Reply
  2. catwatson8

    This. is. awesome. HA!!!!! Love it. Especially chapter 12. And 13. And 5. If I were on my phone I’d do the little clappy emoticon a dozen times or so.

    Reply
  3. Kathryn S

    Haha!! I literally lol’d. Then I just scrolled up to pick and comment on which was my favorite and I just can’t choose. Omg you are are funny.

    Reply
  4. Caitlin

    Holy shit. Please write ALL of these essays! Chapter 3 happened to me a couple weeks ago. I was out drinking with girlfriends, discussing a recent fling, and pictures were demanded. While my phone was being passed around, a picture of said fling from 2012 was liked. I had no idea until another friend sent me a screen shot of the fb like, teasing me about creeping on old pics. I seriously wanted to die. Really could’ve used your advice on that one!

    Reply
  5. Mary

    This was the best! I failed at chapter two in real life (not the live tweeting part – but I def. passed out). Also, so much anxiety over picking what to watch on Netflix!

    Reply
  6. Danielle

    So freakin’ funny! My brain just couldn’t accept that these weren’t real links. Just kept clicking to my complete frustration.

    Reply
  7. Diana

    Glad to see I wasn’t the only one trying to click on a chapter! It’s always good to start my day laughing. Thank you!!

    Reply
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