Summer's almost over. Make sure you ruin what's left for everyone else by constantly saying "summer's almost over."
— jeffsimmermon (@jeffsimmermon) September 5, 2016
In my dating service, I match up two strangers to decide if a package of raw chicken smells weird. If they disagree, they should be married.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 18, 2016
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Hot dogs: $20
Seeing the smiles on your family's faces: $126
— Nasty Woodman (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) December 9, 2015
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she's going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 6, 2016
I love fall! Scarves, leaves falling, pumpkins, seasonal affective disorder, the constant reminder of death, apple picking
— Anxiety Pie (@anxietypie) September 25, 2016
Boss: Playground ideas?
A hot metal jail made from the head of a hamburger man
Boss: first of all I love it
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) September 27, 2016
My children gathered beside my coffin: She looks so peaceful. And that was her favorite dress.
Dead me sits straight up: IT HAS POCKETS!!!!!
— Courtney Enlow (@courtenlow) September 23, 2016
"The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack but the Galaxy literally explodes" is a perfect metaphor for this election.
— Josh Marvine (@JoshMarvine) September 13, 2016
Life is like chess: I have no idea how to play chess
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 1, 2016
I always thought I'd be a patient mom & then I watched my son try to zip his own jacket.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 12, 2016
Just liked Quaker Oats on FB. This is who I am now.
— Creed (@novicefather) October 12, 2016
Nap time is dead. In memoriam, we ask that you send wine in lieu of flowers.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 10, 2016
I need you to do this thing that doesn't make sense in a very specific way for no reason at all or I will die.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 21, 2016