Tag Archives: Pregnancy

That’s Our Baby In There (A Follow Up Guest Post Surrogacy)

May 19, 2017

Continued from this first interview on infertility and this follow up interview on surrogacy.

1. First of all, CONGRATS on a special delivery coming this fall. What’s the countdown?

THANK you! We are so grateful and excited to be so close to holding our baby girl, Finella Pearl. She is due to arrive on August 23, however Kim, our carrier, usually goes about 2 weeks earlier than her due dates. So maybe early to mid August for us!

2. What was it like finding out the sex?

We found out it was a girl at week 16 at a super cool ultrasound boutique place that let us see her in 3D/4D. It was our first glimpse at her little hands and feet and we totally melted. Kim brought her whole family to the appointment so we all had placed our bets (1 for boy, 5 for girl). I remember sitting there watching the tv where the ultrasound was displayed, waiting to hear the news. My heart was racing! When the ultrasound technician said “girl” we all cheered. I knew it was a girl from the very beginning and I’m 100% wrong at guessing genders. This was the first time I was ever correct! We had picked out her name the week before, so when we got in the car Nate said “so, it’s Finella in there” which all seemed so real and fun. We FaceTimed some friends in the car on the way home who helped us keep it secret and I immediately started dreaming up her nursery that night.

3. How has the surrogacy process been going?

Surprisingly, it has been going really well. And I say surprisingly because I was worried that somehow I would feel left out in this process or ill-attuned to Finella. But the opposite has been true. We see Kim and her family at church on Sunday, so we see her belly grow each week. She sends me videos of Finella kicking or bump pictures, and I send her crazy worst-case-scenario birth videos.

We also recently purchased Belly Buds which allow us to record ourselves reading books to Finella. It even allows for others to record and send their files to us, so we had both our parents read and sing to Finella. I think it’s the best thing for surrogacy pregnancies, especially since she is now remembering voices. Kim just places the little buds on her belly and hits play and Finella gets to meet each of us, one by one.


4. What’s been the hardest part?

I think the hardest part is not being around Finella all the time. I’m not sure how much you can tell about a child’s temperament in utero, but part of me feels like I’m always missing out. This feeling is not nearly as constant and pervasive as I imagined it would be, but it still happens enough and it’s hard.

5. What’s been the most surprising part?

Everyone knows someone who knows someone who has used surrogacy or IVF. Every time I walk into a baby store I get “are you expecting?” or “shopping for a new little baby?” Part of me wants to punch them in the face, because I want to shop in peace, but the other part oozes all over and says “yes! it’s my baby, I’m shopping for my baby!” Which then turns into me explaining that I’m not pregnant, we are using a surrogate, yes we did IVF, and yes, it’s our genetics. And so far, 100% of the time the person says, “you know what, my son/daughter/niece/best friend/neighbor went through IVF or used a surrogate.” That’s when the whole conversation changes and they are so excited to help me find the perfect little outfit for this miracle baby. Somehow Finella touches them and their history in a way that allows such a tender part of them to emerge. The best is when Kim is with me, and I can say “that’s our baby in there.” People melt. And if I can soften just one person’s heart towards IVF or surrogacy, my hope is that the others they come into contact with will be offered the same tenderness that I felt from them in that moment.

6. Do you have an idea of what you’d like the birth to look like?

I’ve really let this up to Kim. She will be the superstar that day. We have asked to be in the room and I’ve asked to pull Finella out, but other than that Kim calls the shots. She has free rein to ask for what she needs and birth this baby however it’s comfortable for her. We have a midwife and Kim’s husband in the room too, and hopefully a new room in the hospital that is supposed to be closer to a “home birth feeling.” As long as Kim and Finella are safe during birth, she can do just about whatever. I already know I’ll be in awe of her strength.

7. At this point, would you consider doing surrogacy again down the road?

Wow, big question and one we’ve talked about a lot. If we had another embryo in storage, yes, absolutely. Unfortunately, we do not have any more embryos which means we would be starting IVF all over again to get some and my body is already cringing at the thought. So the short answer is no. But if there were embryos, then most definitely, yes. For now, we are going to enjoy Finella and if we feel another baby would fit well into our family, we will cross that bridge when we get to it.


8. What’s the one thing you get asked about the most?

How did you find Kim? and Did you know her before this? This seems to be the most asked question since this process began. And I get it, it’s a unique arrangement though I often think people are also just asking themselves if they could do it. I imagine they are quickly flipping through their mental rolodex of people, wondering who they would trust to carry their child. I give them the story of how we met, which is usually followed up by, “When is she due?” and “Will you be there for the birth?” Or “What’s her name” then “How do you spell it?”


9. Do you recommend surrogacy to others when they ask?

Yes. I know it sounds so foreign (or at least it did for me), but it is so beautiful. I just walked with another woman this past month as she prepared for her embryo transfer to her surrogate. It is such a unique experience and I’ve had women contact me from all over the country asking for me to walk them through the process.

10. What advice do you give them?

After losing so many pregnancies, I often tell them that allowing another woman to carry your child is the most loving thing you can do as a mother. I lived with that reframe for months until I was ready to pursue surrogacy. After so many miscarriages you begin to think that maybe your uterus isn’t the most safe place, and I felt guilty for all the embryos my body couldn’t give life to and the potential future they would have had. And ultimately I came to the conclusion that if I ever wanted to give our frozen embryos a chance, the most gracious and motherly thing I could do is have them carried by someone else. Once I viewed it from that perspective, I warmed up to the idea pretty quickly. If you are dealing with protein in your urine like I was then check out the protein causes and how you can help fix it.

Whether you’re a mother to embryos, a growing fetus, or a baby in your arms, you would go to the ends of the earth to ensure their survival and wellbeing. This is no different.  It’s definitely a long journey and one of many sacrifices, but also one of much beauty and treasure.

Check back this fall for an update on Kristy. We can’t wait to meet Miss Finella Pearl!


Beholding You Photography by Nicole Bressler

You can make donations to help fund Kristy and Nate’s miracle here.

The Last Post

June 1, 2016

This will be the last blog post before I give birth to one more human. Just like last time, if you’re wondering if I’ve had the baby yet, you can always check this site or use social media. I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seat. I had my other kids on their due dates, so I don’t really anticipate going early or late. My official prediction is that I will have a baby sometime in June. Please send your thoughts, prayers, and magical healing auras to my special place.

Grocery store checkout questions answered:

1) Do you know what you’re having? (no)

2) Did you find out with the other two? (yes)

3) Do you have a guess? (yes, though my guessing powers have proven to be 0% correct in the past)

4) Do you have names picked out? (yes, same name for either sex)

5) Are you due soon? (oh did you think I was pregnant? I just had a large lunch)

You know my thoughts on the third trimester and this final pregnancy. We’ve had a good run. Thinking about saying goodbye to this stage of my life, giving birth one last time, and holding a fresh newborn again all make me cry into my cereal (but so does that Lean Cuisine commercial with the night nurse and the macaroni and cheese–so take it with a grain of salt).

The kids are excited. I am excited. Austin is excited. Ever since Eva was born, we’ve talked about what our family would look like as a family of four but it never felt quite right. Someone was missing. I can’t wait until we’re all here.

See you soon.


Last post with Eva

The Third Trimester: Goodbye Valentine

May 19, 2016

Third baby, third trimester, third time I’m googling “really thirsty + early sign of labor?”

We made it.

It’s strange, really. Wasn’t it just last week that I was telling Austin I was pregnant and then throwing up into the trashcan? Time flies when you’re having fun.

This has been the physically hardest but the best pregnancy out of the three. The only way I can explain it is this: Everything is easier when you’re saying goodbye. These months mark the end of a chapter in my life I have really enjoyed–and I’ve been aware each day how lucky I am to do it one more time. If I had to compare it with my other pregnancies, it is most similar to Waylon’s, but there have been differences too. For example, out of all the babies I have carried, this one has moved the most and slept the least in utero. Let’s pretend it means nothing.

The third trimester has been fine. The sickness came back, but I’ve been able to sleep at night. And if there’s anything I need in pregnancy, it’s a full night of rest. Other symptoms include round ligament pain, emotional outbursts over kindergarten registration, and the incessant need to organize the kitchen drawers.

Of course there’s the third trimester and then there’s the third trimester. Two very different things. So far this week I’ve made Paula Deen’s potato salad twice and eaten it all by myself like a sea monster. I’ve also asked Austin to do about 52 things I can no longer physically do, like carry boxes up and down three flights of stairs and vacuum behind the desks and dressers. Pray for him.

A few months ago an older and wiser mother of three said this to me about that last baby: “Oh, that one goes so fast. They are born and then they’re running across the graduation stage. Hold tight.” Got me good.

37 weeks and counting. Let’s do this.


Don’t Lose Heart (A Guest Post On Surrogacy)

April 19, 2016

Last July I interviewed my friend Kristy about her and her husband Nate’s journey through seven years of infertility in a guest post titled “You Are Not Forgotten.” At that time they were going through what they believed to be their final round of IVF before exploring other options. You can read that interview here.

Almost one year later, so much has changed. Kristy’s Etsy shop for couple’s trying to conceive is taking off, her time spent trying IVF is over, and her and her husband have found a surrogate to carry their sweet embryos.

Last week I reached out to Kristy (who is now comfortable using her real name) wondering if she’d like to do a follow up post on surrogacy since there’s so much mystery and confusion surrounding the process. She said yes, and I’m so excited to share her story again today.

Ten questions on surrogacy for Kristy and her honest answers below.

From Kristy: Don’t lose heart.


1. The last time we talked, you were on your final attempt at using IVF to get pregnant after seven years of trying. What has happened health wise since then?

Our last attempt was in December of 2015 after three months of prepping my body for that final transfer. Our doctor returned from a medical conference in July 2015 and had a new plan for our next round. It included several months of prep, a mock round using all the medication, and a super painful test to examine my uterine tissue (without anesthesia!). It took three months to get those results and prep for the real thing. Finally in the beginning of December we transferred one beautiful genetically normal embryo into a thick and fluffy uterine lining. The bases were loaded and we were basically “guaranteed” a home run. It felt like a sure thing, even our doctors prepared for success. We waited and waited, then finally went for blood work. Nothing. Completely negative, it didn’t even try to implant or stick around. That was the end of IVF, we felt so strongly that we and our last precious embryos could not survive another round of that madness. It was time to move on.

2. What led you guys to choosing surrogacy over other options? 

Our doctor mentioned surrogacy in June of 2015, which led to a complete breakdown on the way home from his office. He actually called and apologized later for bringing it up that early in the process, but it was too late I was already swimming in the fear that surrogacy was where we were going to end up, and I had chosen my favorite luxury swimwear brands already to swim, so it was disappointed. I tucked it away in the back of my mind as we prepped for our “miracle” round (above) and put all my hope in that. But there were times when I brought the idea of surrogacy out to the forefront and thought about it. I couldn’t keep it there long though because it was tied to so much grief and questions on my end. What would it be like to never carry a child? What will I tell my child if they ask about being in my tummy? How would I get through 9 months of seeing someone else grow my child? 

So many questions and so much grief. Grief was a huge part of this process. I had to shed all my dreams of being pregnant, having cravings, and most of all–giving birth. It still makes me emotional knowing I’ll never know those intimate feelings so many women/mothers get to experience. After our failed round in December, we decided to take some time off to simply pray about our next steps. We were tired, weary, and felt so weak. It was Christmas time so we filled up on family, our precious nephew, cut out cookies, and laughter – which really did help.

We returned home in January and left our hearts open to whatever/whomever walked into our life. We were leaning towards surrogacy ONLY because we had  embryos left in storage. It felt uncomfortable to both of us to leave them permanently in storage, especially since they had an 80% chance of life with the right uterus. I did ask Nate if someone approached me in the grocery store and said, “I know of this baby you should adopt,” — what would we do? We both agreed that while this was obviously unlikely, if something that dramatic came along we would most definitely go in that direction.

For several weeks we sat and waited without expectation or a plan. Just simply waited and listened for what’s to come. It was refreshing and terrifying.

3. Was it hard to find someone? What does that process look like?

This is the first question everyone asks (literally 100% of the time). Finding someone to carry your child is not an easy process, you don’t (shouldn’t) post it on Craigslist or your local Facebook “for sale” site. It’s a whole new kind of matchmaking. During our time of waiting “without expectation,” we called a surrogacy lawyer to find out legally what’s required. It was very helpful to know the requirements for carrying (it varies from state to state). So many friends and family volunteered their wombs. I got texts saying “my womb is your womb” or “I want to give you this gift’ and emails from people feeling so called to help us create a family. It was so beautiful and moving to know we were so so loved. We had to make some hard decisions, there are many complicated layers to gestational carrying and it’s often recommended not to use a close friend or family member because of the complex relational dynamics that could arise over the next 9 months (and the years after). So, we were back at square one, but I was so sure someone would present themselves. I started praying for this women, for her heart, her courage, and her family. I knew she was out there, I knew I was about to meet her. I can’t explain the feeling, but it still gives me chills to know I was so certain her appearance was coming soon.

Long story short, Nate went out for a beer with someone from church and I ended up meeting them later. During our conversations our friend said, “You know K (that’s what I’ll call her) from church did this for someone else years ago.” Nate and I paused and looked at each other. I asked our friend to make sure he had the story right and demanded he call his wife to confirm. Within minutes we had confirmation that K had indeed been a carrier in the past. I asked for our friend to put me in touch with her. We had only been going to this church for a few months and even though I knew what she looked like, I didn’t know her well enough to talk to her.

A week went by and eventually I had her number. I called her, heart pounding, feeling awkward about talking to someone I didn’t know AND still figuring out how to ask her to carry our child. She answered and all my nerves disappeared. We talked about her experience in the past, what it was like to carry a child and hand it over after birth, and about all the prep and requirements to be pregnant with someone else’s child. She was so open and easy to talk to. We laughed a lot, and at times I was talking so fast–not just out of excitement, but because this was someone who was speaking to the dark and hard places of my heart. She was rapidly softening the parts that I had protected, grieved over, and kept hidden.

Then it came time to ask the question. It rolled right off my tongue with no hesitation. I knew she was the one. I asked, “Would you consider doing this again?” She paused for a second and then readily said, “Absolutely.” She went on to tell me she just told her husband a few days before that she would like to get back into surrogacy and then I called. K said she has felt called to be a surrogate since she was in high school and has always wanted to help couples have a family. She agreed to carry twins and to pump us breast milk for 6 months after birth, thank you Jesus! I basically ended the phone call with “You’re hired” to which she said “Do you want to meet me before moving forward?” It was then I realized maybe I need to slow down a bit, but it just felt so good to finally find something that feels so good.

After I hung up, I filled Nate in. He was vacuuming (bless his heart) upstairs and just happened to be in the future baby room. We were so overwhelmed by what just happened that we weren’t sure what to do with all the happiness. We hugged and cried and looked around that room, feeling more hopeful that one day it would look much different. 

4. Now that you’ve found someone, what happens next?

Once we all met and decided to move forward, we contacted our lawyer and started the paperwork process. It’s been over three months and we are still in the contract phase. It takes a while to move through all the little details involved in this. After we get a contact drafted and everyone signs it, we have required counseling to do together, medical preparation for K, and then comes the transfer!

What I didn’t mention is that when K agreed to do this she had a 4 month old! So before moving ahead with anything medical related, she needs to be finished breast feeding. She will be done this Fall which is why our transfer isn’t until then. It’s great timing because we can move through all these steps and stages of the process without feeling rushed. 

5. What are questions you are finding people want to ask but don’t know how?

 1. Will your baby(ies) look like you?  Yes. All the genetic material is ours (it’s our embryo). She is the vessel that will help bring them to life. 

2. What is the difference between surrogacy and gestational carrying? Traditional surrogacy is when the surrogate uses her eggs and they are just fertilized by sperm. So the child will have some of the surrogate’s genetic material. Gestational carrying is just that, carrying. It uses none of the carrier’s material, just a nice cozy womb.

3. Isn’t all of this just weird and uncommon? Yes and no. There are pieces of this process that are weird, sure. But believe me, some of the things I was doing before to get pregnant were even more weird. This actually seems legitimate. Uncommon? No. Surrogacy and gestational carrying is actually very common, you just don’t hear about it that often. Since finding K, I’ve heard of several other women in my area that had children via surrogacy and others that were gestational carriers!

4. Is it hard to know you won’t be pregnant? Yes, of course. Birthing a child is something I think is so beautiful, so I grieve that I’ll never know that feeling. I was always told I would be such a cute pregnant woman (believe it or not, I’ve been told that many times in my life. Who says that?) and when I was young, I used to stuff pillows up my shirt to see what I’d look like pregnant. All things I’ll never see in real life. I’ll also never nurse a child, another hard thing. However, I do know what it feels like to be pregnant. I was pregnant three times, not for long, but long enough to know what it feels like to puke, crave all things fried, and never want to get out of bed. That is the closest I’ll ever get and I’m okay with that. There are also pros to not giving birth, for one, that dreaded post-partum poo. Sounds absolutely horrifying, no thanks. 

6. What are your fears going into this process?

Surprisingly, I don’t have many fears. I feel K was brought into our lives for a reason and no matter what happens, this experience was meant to be. There is always the fear of what if it doesn’t work and what if something happens to the baby(ies), but those fears were there when I was carrying. Knowing K has a healthy cozy uterus that four other babies enjoyed in the past brings me so much more hope than fear. 

7. Will you and Nate attend or be part of the birth? What does that look like? 

Good question. I want to say yes! At least we hope to be. Those details we will work out with K, but I’m hoping we (or at least I) can be in the room and experience the birth process. 

8. What happens after the baby (or babies!) are born? Will K remain a part of your lives?

K will always be a part of our lives. But this is one of those complex issues that goes with surrogacy. It’s one that we had to talk about together and write into a contract. Our lawyer has all kinds of “worst case scenarios” of people who haven’t fully thought this through. However K is so respectful of us and our desire to be parents. She is always saying things like “you’re the parents,” never trying to take ownership over this process. We have no worries about K’s involvement in our child’s life. She goes to our church so I imagine she will see them every Sunday and she mentioned having a “aunt-like” relationship with them. We need a village to raise children and sometimes we need a village to make children and we are so so thankful she is a part of our village.

9. If you’re comfortable sharing, what is the financial strain that goes along with surrogacy?

Surrogacy is not free. It comes with a price, monetarily and emotionally. K and I hate talking about money, however it’s a part of the process. As K says, it’s like day care for nine months. Exactly, it’s just like that. There is also cost for all the required testing, the medications, prenatal appointments, and the birth. But as cliche as it sounds, this process is priceless. 

10. Any advice or words of encouragement for parents who are considering surrogacy? 

Call me. No seriously, talk to someone who has been through it. Find someone to share their story and answer your questions. I was following several blogs which helped me (us) make some important decisions. Be brave. This is not an easy option, or a quick fix. It comes with new and different challenges to push yourself through. But if you’re considering surrogacy then you’ve been through a lot already and you know how to do hard things. You know what it’s like to not have answers, to grieve what will never happen, and to put your trust in someone else.

Surrogacy is not the end or the last resort, which is how I saw it for so long. For us, it’s just the beginning. The beginning of something so much more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. You can have that too. As our embryologist told me in our last phone call, “We [the medical team] are all looking forward to your time in the sun.”

I can feel the warmth already.


You can make donations to help fund Kristy and Nate’s miracle here.

I Need Nothing But Want Everything: 8 Things For The Third Baby

March 10, 2016

8 Things
When Austin and I found out we were pregnant with our first baby, the first thing we decided is that we didn’t need much of anything. The second thing I decided is that we should probably get it all just in case. As it turns out, all babies are different and how about a round of applause for all the colicky infants out there who never used their multi-function swings, bumbo seats, or bouncy chairs. Thanks guys!

Every baby and every pregnancy offer an updated version of what you think you need. A few things that stuck:

From Waylon: exersaucer, boppy, boobs

From Eva: co-sleeper, ergo, rock n play, breastfeeding bottles 


The truth is you don’t need anything. The other truth is that it’s okay to want a few special things. For example, do you know what doesn’t matter at all? What your baby will wear coming home from the hospital. Do you know what I obsess over every time? What my baby will wear coming home from the hospital. It’s not so much that I ever care in the moment (I care about Percocet), I just like to look at it, fold and unfold it, and stare longingly at its smallness the weeks leading up to delivery. It’s part of the process.

Eight new things to add today. None of them necessary, all of them for the sole purpose of boosting morale and getting excited for another little life.

We can’t wait.


1) Iviebaby Blanket.


Truth: I basically had another baby so I’d have an excuse to order an Iviebaby blanket. Three things to note:

+ Elizabeth uses the softest materials for both the front and back
+ They look amazing wash after wash (pictured above)
+ The faux fur does not shed or stick on little fingers

Bonus: Iviebaby offers a ton of beautiful gender neutral options, but because I like to make things complicated–I had the ultrasound tech write down the gender in a sealed envelope to then mail to Elizabeth with my choice for a girl and boy. I can’t wait to open that box in June.

Favorites from her shop here, here, and here.


2) Natursutten Pacifiers.

Naturesutten(Photo source)

Babies will be babies and choose exactly if and what pacifier they’ll take, but this time around I’m starting off with Natursutten pacis if only because they are so cute. Seriously, how are they are so cute? Other fun facts:

+ They are made in Italy by a family business manufacturing rubber baby products for the past three generations
+ No BPA, nitrosamines, PVC, phthalates, chemical softeners, or artificial coloring are involved
+ They are really, really cute

I’ve had two kinds of pacifier babies in my house, and while there are pros and cons to both–I’ll take an addict any day over all the crying. Putting these straight into my hospital bag.


3) Gender Neutral Swaddle Blanket.

Swaddle me!

This is the first time not finding out the gender, which has been really fun except when I’m at the store and there are around zero neutral options for anything. Luckily Etsy exists, which is where I found this swaddle blanket after scouring the Internet for a few hours. Kelsey of Addie and May makes a lot of beautiful things, including these soft swaddle blankets made of lightweight and breathable fabric, easily folded to fit into a diaper bag. Excellent for swaddling and covering up while nursing. Other favorites from her shop here, here, and here.


4) Coming Home Outfit.

Coming Home Outfit

When I contacted my friend Annette from LilNells about making a gender neutral outfit for my hospital bag, she was happy to oblige. Her shop is beautiful and simple and I can’t wait for it to arrive. Pictured above: the sweetest red baby girl matching sleeper and hat for d-day. Other favorites from her shop here and here. And a little throwback to Eva wearing tiny LilNells pants over a year ago!


5) Sheepskin Photo Prop.sheepskin rug(Photo source)

Photo props for your baby are so 2000 and late, but I am not over sheepskin yet–especially when it’s only $24 bucks for the fake kind. It may not be classy, but it’s also not worth it to me to invest in the real thing–especially when it’s just a trend. Thank you Amazon for fulfilling all my needs.


6) Matching Sibling Outfits.
Matchy Matchy

People call dressing their kids in matching outfits a guilty pleasure. Do you know what I call it? Enjoying dressing your kids in matching outfits. Guilty pleasures are for your 20s. Your 30s are all about finding what you love and going for it, even if it means fourteen dollar cheese plates, Justin Bieber, and dressing your kids like they came in a matching set. Checking the mail every day for these baby bloomers for the baby, these stripey pants for Eva, and this 5T/6T (yes!) romper for the oldest. Please excuse my hundred photos, I have no regrets.


7) Carseat Cover.

Most of us just use a blanket to cover up the car seat, right? You know, that beautiful one your grandmother made that then gets drug around in the dirt because it won’t stay on the car seat unless you tie it (but then that doesn’t work anyways). I don’t need this, BUT I WANT IT.


8) Video Monitor.

Five years of parenting later and I was feeling pretty smug about never getting a video monitor until my toddler started crawling out of her crib, climbing up the dresser, and terrorizing Waylon’s wall decals (I never liked them anyways). This video monitor purchase confirms two things about parenting:

+ Never (ever) say never
+ Mama bears will do anything for the sake of sleep

They will also do anything to protect their newborn from the antics of a guns blazing two-year-old. Can’t wait to watch that sleepy newborn sleep in peace (and not worry about his or her older sister pulling any stunts). Technology, bless you.