The First Trimester: There On The Couch She Lies

November 24, 2015


October 7

Everyone tells you to absolutely not take a pregnancy test before your missed period, but I like to waste 40-60 dollars just in case science is wrong. This time was no different. I took a test three days before my period, two days before, one day, and then on all the days after. Four days later, it was still negative and I was feeling some emotions. Namely:

1) Confused. Where is my period? Why does my period never cooperate?

2) Annoyed. Now I have take Clomid again. Clomid is dumb. I hate Clomid.

3) Fine. We’ve only been trying for two months and this is the first round of medicine. No big deal. Eva took six months and Waylon took a year. I can wait.

If you are new here, I take a drug called Clomid to have my babies because I have the ovaries of a grumpy old man. It’s fine. Women, many of them my friends and family, have had to endure much worse.

And so I gave up. I bought a box of tampons, called in another prescription, and focused on getting through the next month. I never really thought the drugs would work the first time anyways.

A day later I was packing a picnic dinner when I realized nothing sounded good enough to eat. No sandwiches, no snacks, and especially no desserts. This is very unlike my normal self who specializes in sandwiches, snacks, and desserts. It is exactly like my pregnant self, who only craves McDonald’s chicken sandwiches and hot meals.

Weird, I thought weirdly. Weird, weird, weird.

And so I did what you do when faced with potentially life-changing news, I put on a show for the kids and ate a stringed cheese. Then I ran to the upstairs bathroom, took a test, and went into my bedroom to change. When I came back into the bathroom to throw the test away, I looked down and the stick was faintly positive. I called my friend Heather immediately to analyze and she said, “You’re pregnant, dummy!”, just like she did after I tested positive for Eva and didn’t believe it.

Then I took another test just in case and lo and behold, I was with child.


Austin was surprised too, especially since I’d been stomping around the house discussing my “special time of the month” for days (his favorite topic!). After I told him, we hid from the kids and danced around the basement, giddy with the delusion that maybe this was going to be so much easier than the first two times.

We took a picture and blurry little video after the kids were in bed to commemorate the occasion. Happiest kind of night.

October 10

Is this real????

October 20

There is nothing in my body that doesn’t feel like swine flu. I cannot type any more sentences.

October 22

So sick and tired and tired and sick and have I mentioned I AM ILL. I forgot about this. Or rather, I remembered being sick but forgot how bleak it is to rest your head on the toilet bowl after losing the third meal of the day. It’s okay though, I’ve already cried about it fifteen times which is a nice, insane release. See you never.

October 23

Two kids constantly asking for cheese sticks is a nice distraction from the unrelenting nausea that follows me around the house like a bad ex-boyfriend. Don’t worry though, the kids have seen enough Daniel Tiger episodes today that it’s like they are being parented by an other, nicer mom. A mom who takes trips to the clock factory and makes vegetable spaghetti instead of a mom who takes trips to the bathroom and makes boxed macaroni and cheese for every meal. Bless their confused hearts.

October 25

October 26

Ate 17 pizza goldfish for lunch if anyone is keeping track of my nutrition.

October 27

I have been infected with a head cold. Patient zero doesn’t seem too sorry. Yesterday she hid my keys in a bag of potatoes. I can’t take NyQuil, something I mention to anyone within a mile radius. Honestly I’m so sick of hearing myself complain that I’m considering selling my phone for pizza money. Please pray for my husband who no can no longer find any clean dishes, clean clothes, or clean children after 18 hour shifts at the hospital.

October 30

Rose: Put on real clothes this morning to attend Waylon’s preschool Halloween party.
Thorn: Threw up in the bathroom while Eva ate marshmallows covered in glue.
(Could have been worse).

October 31

I don’t want to be dramatic, but if I don’t eat a salad covered in french fries covered in ranch dressing in the next 24 hours I will die.

November 1

Already at the point in the pregnancy where every road sign, every obituary, every inanimate object on the living room floor holds a name possibility. Looked into my make-up bag this morning and read Fat Lash Mascara. Not bad.

Austin hates every name I love, part of our really fun marriage dynamic. If this baby is named by June, it will be a miracle.

November 3

Things I Can’t Handle On Any Emotional Level: NPR human interest stories, diaper commercials, Pixar movies, heartfelt Adele songs.

Just thinking about the ending to Toy Story 3 is too much to bear.

November 4

Whenever I’m in a state of emotional duress, I find myself coping with mental checklists. An inner monologue of questions if you will. For example: Are you sad? Why are you sad? Are you mad? Why are you mad? Are you anxious? Make a list of all the reasons why. It’s as if my brain is going into safety mode. A carefully calculated assessment to find root causes and possible solutions.

It’s happening all the time now. Mostly when it’s quiet; in the bathroom or in the car. And every time I’m surprised. Like, oh–you’re here again? I guess I didn’t notice everything shutting down.

The root cause is always the same. The baby, a baby, my baby–taking over in every way. First goes the body, then the mind.

November 5

Finally watched Inside Out. Cried 50% of the time as Pixar intended.

November 9

10 weeks today. Pregnancy glow or 47 filters? You decide.

November 10

Headed to California. What do you call a pregnant lady, a four-year-old, and a toddler boarding a plane? Actually, let’s not finish that joke.

November 20th

As it turns out, taking two young kids on a solo trip across the country while pregnant is possible. It’s also really hard. I’ll be recovering until April. The good news is that while I’m still dry heaving on a regular basis. The nausea is not constant and for that I am grateful.

November 23rd

Saw the baby today in a due date ultrasound. They didn’t give me a picture and I pretended not to care. I thought that maybe the third time this would be less magical, but I have found the opposite is true. Even though it is hard and gross and exhausting, pregnancy is beautiful. It is holy ground.

I will never have a pregnant Angelina Jolie body, something I had to reconcile years ago, but I am strong. I have made two babies with a uterus once deemed a failure. I wake up grateful and fall asleep dreaming of the day we’re all here.



There is a time and place to lament pregnancy sickness and joke about the turmoils of motherhood, but I’d like to take a moment for thankfulness and a quick prayer for my fellow women waiting to be mothers. I stand with you in your journey to motherhood. You are strong. You are brave. You are not forgotten. 

First trimester with Eva

California // 2015

November 23, 2015

IMG_7689 IMG_8057


Hello! We are back from ten days in California. If you missed how and why we went, you can find those answers here. In short, a fairy godmother paid for Waylon’s ticket, Eva is still free, and we went to reconnect with some of our best friends who recently moved home to the West Coast.

We started our journey in the Baltimore airport where I checked our suitcase, secured a gate pass for Austin, and begged for an extra seat on the flight for Eva (praise). Then I got us some Quiznos for dinner before hysterically crying in front of our fellow passengers as Austin exited the premises. It was unflattering.

After boarding the plane and resuming a normal facial expression, I realized two things: 1) Maybe this was a bad idea and 2) No one has ever eaten Quiznos and not regretted it. Lucky for me, I did not get sick, Eva held it together 85% of the time, and Waylon spent the entire flight staring out the window in pure amazement. He must have said, “I can’t believe we’re up in the air on a plane,” fifty times.  +500 points for the four-year-old. You can have anything you want for Christmas.*

Once we landed, our friend Heather met us at the baggage claim with open arms and drove us to her home in Tustin where we immediately fell into a sleep coma. The rest of the trip can be found in the pictures: day trips, beautiful beaches, Spanish missions, and amazing food. If you haven’t blocked me from Instagram and Snapchat yet, bless you.

Not pictured: Four-year-olds fighting, unrelenting exhaustion, and late night trips to Trader Joe’s to get tamales and Thanksgiving flavored chips.

The truth is the trip was very fun but it was also really hard, which is not something I mentioned much on all those Instagram posts. That’s kind of the problem with social media, isn’t it? If you say too many hard things, you’re complaining. But if you’re just running the highlights, your life is perfect/fake. Something we all continue to figure out but rarely talk about because it’s boring.

As for solo flying with two young kids, all that worry was for nothing. Or rather, my low expectations paid off. We got a whole row on the plane for both flights, and while Eva was draining, she wasn’t terrible. Waylon was so excited about being on a plane for the first time, that he could have gone five more hours.

Things People Said Would Be Hard That Were Actually Fine –> Kids and ears popping on the flight, kids and the airplane bathroom, kids and the three hour time change

Things I Thought Would Be Fine That Were Actually Hard –> Going through airport security smoothly, uninstalling and reinstalling car seats a bunch of times, being without a co-parent for ten days

Travel Tips Passed To Me That Were Helpful –> Low expectations, ask for support in airport, ipad, more ipad, dollar store toys, ipad, snacks, ipad

Thank you for all the tips and support passed on along the way. A few of you asked for app suggestions for kids to pass time in your travels. A list of what we use included below.

Hey California, we’ll be back.

(Next time with baby daddy and more tequila).


*amount must not exceed $50 USD

All photos taken with iPhone camera and edited with the VSCO app.

KIDS APPS (for 5 and under)

Youtube Kids
Paint Sparkle
Toca Doctor
Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood: Play At Home (Paid)
Elmo Calls (Paid)
Toca Hair Salon
Nick Jr.
Toca Kitchen Monsters
Toca Hair Salon (Christmas)
Disney Junior Appisodes
Endless Numbers
Endless Reader
The Wheels On The Bus
Sago Mini Friends
Endless Wordplay
The Big Moving Adventure
ABC Alphabet
Drawing Carl
Forest Flyer
Mr. Potato Head
MP Weather
Toca Band
Netflix (Paid Subscription)
One full episode of Calliou, Curious George, & Doc McStuffins (Paid)


California Suitcase + Weekend Links

November 6, 2015

This is not my suitcase

Four days until my kids and I hop on a plane to the West Coast. We are excited and have started packing about a week early due to impatience and minor paranoia. So far I’ve got warm weather clothes, essential toys, and my floppy hat. Also going in my bag is some new make-up, which is probably for the best since my mascara was about two years old and we are headed to the land of endless youth and lip injections (Orange County).

My friend Jess actually asked me to try out some of her make-up line which was perfect timing. She sent eyeliner, mascara, and lip gloss. Three things I desperately needed. I love them all, especially the eyeliner which rolled on much better than the cheap Maybelline pencil I was using. Thanks friend!


Shop + Favorite


Weekend Links

After watching Going Clear (you need to watch it), this book is going to be a must.

Sesame Street introduces character with autism.

Let Girls Learn, a powerful essay by Michelle Obama.

The Mindy (Parenting) Project.

Alternative password security questions.


Happy Friday.

Book Review: Motherlunge + Big Magic

November 4, 2015

big magic

Hi friends. Two books with two fantastic titles I wish I had thought of for myself.

Two strong female authors with the kind of writing you want to rewrite on scraps of paper so you remember.

Happy to recommend them both.

As always, all book reviews are spoiler free.

Happy November reading.


1. Motherlunge.motherlunge

If You’re Looking For: Fiction, dysfunctional family drama, new writers

If You Liked: Nearer Than The Sky

My Review: Great debut novels are always startling for a writer. You never wrote a book before and then you created this? I might as well lie back down on the couch (see next book for self-help on this topic). Of course it’s also very thrilling to find a new writer. At its core, Scott’s Motherlunge is a novel of desire. Desire for love, fulfillment, sex, children, and sometimes a completely different destiny. And even though the characters are faced with raw, difficult love, the writing is light and full of surprising wit. A story about motherhood, friendship, and mental illness. A very fresh read. Out of anything, I enjoyed its poetry. 4/4 stars. 

Their Review: Told with dazzling prose, Motherlunge is a wry, luminous exploration of the legacy of motherhood here, about the afflictions that may cycle through generations. This is a thoroughly engaging novel, with wonderful turns of phrase in every sentence, and its witty humor announces a welcome new voice in American fiction, full of charm and tender wisdom. —Don Lee

Quoted: But come down. Come here. I can promise to give you this: an appetite for silence. Loneliness, and ways to find it when you need to. How to hold yourself safe, apart, tight to the lowest rung.


2. Big Magic.big magic

If You’re Looking For: Memoir, self-help, creative inspiration

If You Liked: Rising Strong, The Art Of Memoir

My Review: Hey girl, you might not like this book. If you are not an Elizabeth Gilbert fan (I wasn’t either), her tone and writing might be the final push over the edge. Cynics beware! Tread lightly. I happen to be a convert, and happily read through this self-help book for writers with fragile nerves at a fast pace. Yes, I’ve read Bird by Bird. Yes, I agree it is the true writer’s bible. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for some big magic. Gilbert packs her book full of one line wisdoms and tiny truth bombs on everything from the practical financial aspects of a writing career to the universal connectedness to ideas and inspiration. Specifically, she breaks down the creative process in such a non-threatening way that I could kiss her. Elizabeth’s approach to being a writer is conversational, practical, and unashamed–three adjectives I would also use to describe this book. Admittedly not groundbreaking but very inspirational. A helpful book for any writer or creator’s back pocket. The perfect boost. I will read and reread it over and over again. 4/4 stars.

Their Review: “Elizabeth Gilbert is an exceptionally gifted author…and this book is remarkable…. It is so densely packed with pearls of wisdom that I read it once for pleasure, and then again to unpack and outline the text just like I used to do in college…A must-read for anyone on the creative spectrum, from those who don’t think there is a creative bone in their body to those who make a living from their artistic expression.” –Yakima Herald

Quoted: The guardians of high culture will try to convince you that the arts belong only to a chosen few, but they are wrong and they are also annoying.


Favorite Books

All Book Reviews

10 Fun Weekend Links {10.30.15}

October 30, 2015

1. 25 words your kindergartner must know before first grade (made me laugh).

2. My mother-in-law wrote a book about healthy cooking and baking and it’s selling out in stores. I even took a few photos!

3. A November playlist! (& October’s if you missed it! It’s of my favorites)

4. Just got a new photo book this week. Easiest and most affordable way to print Instagram (or any) pictures out there into fun little books. Use the code KATEJB to get your first book free. My kids love to page through them.

5. Mamas feeding their babies.

6. A calculator to find your best bedtime.

7. How to deal with critics (it’s so much better than the alternative).

8. This interview on work-life balance for women (and men too).

9. Farm fresh, simple ordering, can’t stop.

10. For your sweet friends and sisters and co-workers trying to conceive.


Happy Friday!