Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.
After: get them to put on pants.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) November 29, 2016
People who share screen shots with a battery under 20% distract me. Where are you? Can you charge your battery? Are you going to be okay?
— ella (@EllaHanes) January 28, 2017
House Hunters be like: I rock climb for living and my wife sells umbrella insurance from home. We have a budget of 1.3 million.
— what (@chanelpuke) February 16, 2017
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a self-checkout, screaming that there’s no unexpected item in the bagging area.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 15, 2016
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 14, 2014
If our current political situation was a tv show I’d be like “Too many characters and subplots.”
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) March 22, 2017
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) November 21, 2015
using microsoft word
*moves an image 1 mm to the left*
all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
— Lourdes (@gossipgriII) March 25, 2016
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
— trev (@sploosk) September 12, 2014
If your spouse leaves an empty milk carton in the fridge it’s acceptable to eat a bowl of dry cereal for breakfast before you murder them.
— Ash (@cray_at_home_ma) March 1, 2017
“I don’t usually do this but…”
-someone that usually does that.
— Jennifer Saviano (@jennifersaviano) February 27, 2017
Man sitting near me at A Midsummer Night’s Dream informs his companion “I saw the original production of this.” Seems a bold claim.
— Henry Hitchings (@henryhitchings) February 23, 2017
“We deleted all the music you imported from CDs in the past 10 years, but here’s the one Ani DiFranco song you bought in college!” -ITunes
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) February 21, 2017