The cooking instructions on a box of frozen pizza should just read: “You’re finally rethinking that creative writing degree, aren’t you?”
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 27, 2016
*wakes up and looks at phone*
ah let’s see what fresh horrors await me on the fresh horrors device
— Miss O’Kistic (@missokistic) November 11, 2016
My neighbor’s recycle bin is filled with diaper boxes and wine bottles, perfectly exemplifying cause and effect.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 20, 2016
Based on the commercials it looks like the most common side effect of medications is walking around outside in a polar fleece vest.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 12, 2016
Stages of Grief:
3. Complaining online
4. Complaining online
5. Complaining online
6. Complaining online
7. Complaining o
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 9, 2016
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) May 3, 2016
“What if we make huge signs to advertise outdoors and call them ad boards?” – marketing guy
“I’ve got an even better name for it.” – Bill
— Steve Svehla (@CoatCzech) September 6, 2016
I don’t have time to watch a 40 minute show
*scrolls through Netflix for 20 minutes*
Alright I’ll just do a classic episode of The Office
— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) November 15, 2016
It’s not even December 1st & I’ve already eaten an entire advent calendar.
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) November 30, 2016
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
— Justin Shanes (@justinshanes) November 29, 2016
I wonder if elves keep crazy Pinterest moms on their shelves to scare their children into behaving
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 10, 2014
I save tons of money shopping online because I'm too lazy to go get my credit card from the other room.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) November 28, 2016
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
— Melanie Bracewell (@meladoodle) May 10, 2016
Accidentally ate a quinoa muffin and now I'm a 30 yr old Crossfit instructor named Maddy
— J (@Dis0beyJay) July 9, 2016
Saw the cutest toddler eat pizza with her mom & felt the deep, primal ache of a woman in her 30s who wants unrefined carbs of her very own.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) November 30, 2016